Ellie

echo_11 @ 2009-09-23T14:56:00

2009-09-23T18:57:53Z

For some people, optimistic thoughts can do more harm than good

some of the historical dates featured in the new Despair, Inc. calendar

2009-08-20T04:01:27Z

OCTOBER 13, 1957
A NY Times review of Atlas Shrugged notes,
"...it seems clear that the book is written out of hate."

NOVEMBER 3, 1957
Alan Greenspan defends Atlas Shrugged,
"Creative individuals achieve joy. Parasites who...
avoid purpose or reason perish as they should."

PSA

2009-04-16T23:26:53Z

140 characters of science finction

2009-03-31T18:02:51Z

"If a Chronodoc says not to let paradox worry you because the math is all right this time, punch him. Punch him while you still have fists."

Read more

Fraggle Rock

2009-03-27T04:29:36Z

my dog looks exactly like Sprocket. I have a Muppet! =D

self-help

2009-02-19T22:48:42Z

"I want a guy who wants my heart, you know? I want him to look for my heart."

"You know when he's fumbling with your breasts? He's looking for your heart. They all do that."

What a bitter hag I have become.

--Lorri Moore

and there you have it...

2009-02-12T14:24:15Z

A friend posted this. I wanted to share it. I'm not sure the problem is the American Psychological Association, or even the pharmaceutical industry. I think what enables them to continue making up disorders and sell drugs that cure nothing is people's need to have a disorder or dysfunction to call their own. I don't know why people in this society treasure the image of being damaged, display their perceived damage proudly. I don't know where this victim mentality comes from. Maybe it's just a way for people to avoid taking personal responsibility.

sleep paralysis

2009-02-09T17:50:23Z

I very recently experienced something I had only read about before, a very interesting phenomenon called sleep paralysis.
Physiologically it is related to the paralysis that occurs during normal REM sleep which prevents a person from acting out their dreams. Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists.
It is a very strange experience, being awake but completely unable to move, yell out, or even open your eyes. There is a very powerful sensation of being held down, accompanied by strange auditory and tactile hallucinations. I did not experience any visual hallucinations, though I have read they are often present.
I was awake, trying very hard to move or scream, but couldn't. It probably would have been terrifying if I didn't know what it is, but mostly I just thought it was interesting. It was over quickly and I didn't get a chance to focus on any single aspect of the experience. If it ever happens again, I will try to pay more attention.

of love and shadows

2009-01-13T22:07:38Z

I will never understand this need of people to seek happiness in another person, to expect someone else to complete them, to make them whole. If you are not happy with yourself, by yourself, you will never find happiness with another person, only disappointment. People yearn for that someone who will heal all wounds, fulfill all needs, be their happily ever after. And they grasp onto their partner, depending on them for their happiness without ever trying to figure out how to make their own lives better.

Give up the illusions, burn out the neediness and fix yourself first. This is not as difficult as it may sound.

There are so many lonely people out there.

“The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love.’ People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open.”
--Philip Roth, The Dying Animal

THIRD

2008-11-05T15:41:40Z

I think Portishead THIRD is one of the best albums ever made.
I like it more and more every time I listen to it.
her voice just touches a nerve....

How can you not want one?

2008-10-05T17:48:25Z

Fuzzy Kiwi Understudy

Kiwi! It's a flightless New Zealand bird that looks a bit like a fuzzy potato but without the elegance! They've never really gotten the hang of reproduction or self defense, preferring to hold down the ecological niche filled elsewhere by lemmings. Shockingly, they are now endangered.

Now seriously, have you ever seen an evolutionary cul-de-sac more in need of your solidarity? Give him a squeeze and show your support for all that's flightless and cuddly!

9 inches of ridiculous, bizarre, absurd, fuzzy bird. Made in New Zealand, of course. Ages 3 and up.
Squishable

life lessons from transposable elements

2008-09-30T21:30:00Z

transposable elements are (often) autonomous elements in a host genome. these jumping genes generally code for only a couple of proteins necessary for their transposition and/or replication within the host genome. these "selfish" genes exist to propagate their existence.

for a transposon to survive and be successful it needs to survive, it needs to be be able to transpose within the genome. but to do that most transposable elements rely on the presence of cellular proteins to aid them in the process.

if I were a transposable element, i would pack so many genes, in fact I would be sure I had a copy of every gene I could possibly ever need to survive, and as a result I would be HUGE and likely end up "dead" because it would be nearly impossible to carry all that bulk around through multiple jumps. the most efficient transposons only carry the bare minimum of coding sequences and rely on the host cell to provide the rest. are efficient people like efficient transposons? is it necessary to rely on other people in order to get by in life? I tend to be the opposite of that, I don't trust people to do what they are supposed to do. this is why I prefer to work alone on projects, because I know I will get things done. perhaps the lesson to learn from these "selfish" pieces of DNA is that to get ahead, I have to put more faith in people? seems counter-intuitive.

but wait, there is more!

transposons jump around the host genome. in doing that they can often have deleterious effects, cause mutations and occasionally death to the host cell. obviously that would be bad news for the trasposon because it cannot survive without the host cell. because of that transposons have ways of regulating their behavior and transposition so as to ensure they don't cause severe damage to the host.

back to my individual/society analogy... an individual, much like a transposon, needs society to survive. so, even though we are all selfishly trying to ensure our own survival, we should also control our actions so they do not inflict harm on the society on which we depend for survival.

no matter what the scale is, from atoms to molecules to cells to organisms to societies to planets... all the same rules apply, everything is driven by chemical interactions.

really though, I just don't want to study for my Molecular Genetics exam anymore and writing about this allows me to pretend I am not totally wasting my time.

secondary response

2008-09-22T17:08:39Z

after vaccination or infection, the immune system amounts a response to the foreign antigen present in the body. this response leads to destruction of the foreign agent, killing any of the body's own cells that have been infected with it and producing memory cells which retain information about the specific antigen. these memory cells, when they encounter the same antigen, amount a secondary immune response which is more rapid and effective. the increased secondary response indicates the presence of immunological memory and is responsible for immunity to certain pathogens. this immunological memory, however, rarely lasts a lifetime and often immunity wear off unless a "booster" is given to stimulate it.

I think my "immunity" to people follows similar patterns. whenever I have a bad falling out with someone and throw them out of my life, it is easy to resist letting them back into it while the memory of the offense is still fresh in my mind. but the more time passes, the more this "immunity" weakens. if enough time is allowed to pass, the offense is all but forgotten and I look back wistfully at the good things I shared with that person, which in turn makes me feel like I should seek them out, reconcile. for even if I remember what led me to drive them out of my life, at a much later time it becomes abstracted and distant, something I understand conceptually but which no longer carries the emotional weight it once held. as this emotional memory fades and the "immunity" weakens, I am left more vulnerable, open to subsequent "reinfection."

“My anger, in consequence of the damned laws of consciousness, is subject to chemical decomposition. As you look, its object vanishes into thin air, its reasons evaporate, the offender is nowhere to be found, the affront ceases to be an offense and becomes destiny, something like a toothache, for which nobody is to blame, and consequently there remains only the same outcome, which is banging one’s head as hard as one can against the stone wall.”
--Dostoyevsky, Notes from the Underground

revelation

2008-09-17T20:27:09Z

Since starting school, I spend all free time I have before, between and after classes in lab. This makes wearing high heels painful and impractical... In light of that, I have realized that I really wish I were taller...

Pseudoreplication and Experimental Design

2008-04-28T15:17:49Z

Source: Hurlbert, S. H., (1984) Ecological Monographs 54(2), 187-211

off-topic

2008-01-30T20:28:26Z

as I'm preparing for my interview on Friday with a pile of publications, I came across this paper which reports basically the same results that I got my senior year in college that I wrote my thesis paper on. imagine my surprise! the paper was submitted for publication March 2005 and published July 2005. this could have been my paper! well, ok, not really, since this study was much more comprehensive than the one I did. but it still feels damn good to know that my data was not only correct but relevant and, at the time, new! not to mention that it was MINE! that's a very difficult feeling to explain--doing research for the first time, getting that first set of data, knowing that no one before you has gotten this information... it makes it yours in a way that is very unique, very satisfying.

ok, back to studying now. with a smile :)

echo_11 @ 2008-01-25T10:54:00

2008-01-25T16:11:27Z

being sick the last 4 days was such a waste of time. all I could manage to do was lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I'm grateful for the friends that braved facing the flu to bring me food and medicine since there was no way I was making it out of the apartment on my own.

a week left before my first interview... still no confirmation from Columbia. I don't know what time I have to be where... it's a little unnerving. I've been reading up about the program as well as background for the research I've done, I feel like I'm much better prepared this time around than I was last year.... but I'm still nervous. this is too important, I cannot cannot cannot mess this up. everybody keeps telling me not to worry, "I'm sure you'll do fine".... yes, I hope so too, but this is the exact attitude that got me a rejection letter last year. I was so sure I had it, I was in that I hardly put any effort into preparing. I won't make that mistake again.

thinking about moving has made me realize that since I started living alone I've become quite domesticated. my dishes, my glasses, my designer flatware... it's hard for me not to laugh about that.

some happy things

2008-01-21T00:24:39Z

I've been thinking about someone a lot lately, a man I was seeing for a while. unfortunately things turned sour and I chose to just distance myself from him instead of dealing with awkward and uncomfortable encounters. I often wonder if perhaps I was not too quick to flush him away, even though I don't suppose that really matters much now.

I keep thinking about the way he used to take my hand in his and kiss my palm or the inside of my wrist... I don't think anyone else has ever done that. it betrayed a tenderness in him that was not immediately apparent. I think that's why I liked it so much. a friend recently said to me that this is the price we pay for loving more than one person in our lives--there will always be something about the people that have gone that we will miss. I miss this about him. I also miss how much I used to laugh when I was with him.

---

there is something to be said about that feeling when just thinking of the smell of someone's hair makes you smile, relaxes you. I've had this happen before but it was always lovers, people I was romantically involved with. this time is so different. it's someone I care about very deeply and feel very close to, but in a completely platonic non-sexual way. it's such an alien experience. it is incredibly soothing no matter what is bothering me.

why write?

2008-01-17T21:33:38Z

this is going to be an attempt to write more, to get whatever is clogging my brain out and organized, or at least reduce it to a more manageable mess.
anyone I've spoken to in the last 2 months has heard me say how busy I am and how I have no time for anything except getting ready for grad school. I have been doing that, but the truth is it wasn't all that time-consuming.
first, there was studying for the GRE, which I never ended up re-taking because of [insert lame excuse here]. I don't think I ever really had any intention of re-taking it, but I spent a lot of time studying for it anyway.
then there were the applications. stressful though the process might be, when you're doing it a second time it really gets reduced to filling out forms, sending emails, ordering transcripts and scores. in this day and age all of that can be accomplished in a day from a computer (except ordering GRE scores; ETS refuses to get with the times so you still have to order additional scores over the phone).
now I have to get ready for the interviews. this is probably the only legitimately time-consuming part since it involves reading piles and piles of scientific journal publications, which are dense and boring at best, sometimes completely impenetrable. that I am going to spend the next month actually working on. not an excuse.

I spent so much more time on all these things than was necessary. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing at all. my reasons for doing it however are a different story. sure, I care a lot about going to school. I'd venture to say it is the single most important thing for me at this point in my life. but I could have done all of that without dragging my feet so much, without trying to bury myself in applications and papers. but I wanted to. it's become something for me to hide in, much like my work is.
it's a way of shifting focus away from the things in my personal life that are upsetting and complicated, because focusing on those means trying to make sense of them. my career and school, however--those things inherently make sense; I don't have to try to untangle them, to find logic and reason behind messy emotions. and that is easy to deal with, that I can handle. as long as I can understand something, I can deal with it.

this past year has been very overwhelming. so much has happened, both good and bad, which left me completely emotionally exhausted. there is just so much that I simply do not wish to understand or pick apart or deal with right now. so I hide. there is a lot to hide from--family, friends, lovers; all the people that came and went, all the ways in which my life has changed.

I feel like a kid, with my hands to my ears and eyes shut tightly, screaming "you don't exist!" to all of it, all the unresolved things that demand my attention.

so this is why I write, and will continue to write, because I can't explode as long as there is somewhere to put all of this...

Don't Forget: Drink a Beer—Or Two—a Day!

2007-09-26T22:40:40Z

Study in rats suggests long-term, moderate consumption of alcohol improves recall of both visual and emotional stimuli

echo_11 @ 2007-09-26T17:22:00

2007-09-26T21:25:28Z

I'm really not sure why things like this amuse me, but they do.
sounds like a great coffee table book :)

The Complete Manual of Things that might kill you

"The world’s worst maladies, conveniently organized by symptom (real or imagined), will ignite even the mildest hypochondriac’s fantasy life. We’re all going to die of something—why not choose an ailment that’s rare and hard to pronounce?"

I want one!

2007-08-09T16:09:06Z

ReacTable Tactile Synth

The reacTable, a new instrument that lets musicians manipulate sounds by moving glowing blocks on a round, transparent table.
Each block has a different function -- like changing a sound wave's amplitude or acting as a metronome -- that is denoted by a unique hieroglyph. Players move, rotate and flip the blocks, run their fingertips over the tabletop's surface and alter the blocks' proximity to each other to control the music produced by the machine. Pulsing visuals that light up the tabletop come courtesy of a projector beneath the reacTable's translucent Perspex surface, making the instrument interesting to the eyes as well as the ears.

I have seen the future of electronic music, and it is cool, shiny and with blinky lights!

Propeller Island City Lodge

2007-07-24T17:58:51Z

Features:
- The bed is suspended from ropes (1.6 metres high)

Description:
Your place of rest is literally knotted to four large ceiling rafters with thick shipping rope. The bed suspended one and a half metres from above can only be reached with a vertical ladder. Climb, climb! Unfortuntately, security regulations bar this room from being rented out to overweight guests!

Features:
- Entirely decorated with mirrors
- Common bathroom
- No Smoking Room

Description:
Definitely one of City Lodge's highlights. The diamand-shaped room is completely(!) laid out with mirrors and gives you the impression of living in a kaleidoscope. Caution: Very sexy!

Features:
- A circular bed which can be set in motion by pedal
- A large room with a roof
- The bathroom walls are made of blue acrylic glass

Description:
A large room with a gable roof. The bathroom in this room is like a small house, entirely made of blue glass. From the high seat you can observe the antics and 'goings-on' in the circular bed, and its rotations present you with constantly changing perspectives through strategically empty picture frames. ...but we cannot recommand the bed for tall people (2m in diameter).

Features:
- great light
- balcony
- crazy bed-mechanic

Description:
Shall we sleep together or in separate beds? You can decide at the last moment and crank the illuminated barrier between the bed halves up or down. The bed is a monolith and dispenses a mystically blue light with its walls of coloured glass. Not exclusively for eternal quarrelers! Whether homo, hetero or bi, happy here together, don't ask "why"!

Features:
- sleep in a cage or double bed
- beautiful wooden bath with balcony
- biggest room, the 'suite' of the hotel

Description:
Dual cages, situated in the centre of this spacious menagerie, rest on stilts measuring 1.5 meters tall and await applause from the neighbouring guest(s). Your curtain presides over what your audience sees and what not! Each latticework can be a bedplace for one. Or there is room or two, vis-à-vis from the opulent and roomy bathroom. The toilet thrones atop a tower and permits voyeuristc peeks into the golden bathtub.

Features:
- Bronce and gold painted walls
- bath is giant plastic bag
- spy-mirror to the neighbor's room (!!!)

Description:
The wild brush strokes of abstractly painted murals surround and adorn the mirrored aperture to the goings-on next door - an opened curtain might just invite you to have a look! The bathroom is a gigantic plastic bag - a real sensation!

I could live at this place. I'd spend every night in a different room. It would me wonderful!
There are many more here (originally seen on vivnsect 's journal)

I think I OD-ed on existentialism

2007-07-20T19:23:10Z

I've been listening to these lecture series on existentialism. I'm not entirely sure why, probably because my brother sent them to me so I figured I might as well. Not even halfway through I am already zoning out. I try to pay attention, I'll see (hear?) this through to the end! But I feel myself clenching my teeth at every mention of Camus' Absurd, and the uncaring indifferent universe.

Then I remembered this poem I read a while ago, and I looked it up. I think I'll resume the philosophy lessons next week...

they made us read kafka
without preamble or warning
or so much as a breath in the direction of a foreward
no prologue
no anatomy of a cockroach
they made us read kafka
and in my final essay, I swore that he was a crazy nut
who slept outside in a cardboard box
underneath the 110 freeway
in downtown Los Angeles with the rest of his
former existentialists
who turned men into insects
and arrested innocents.
they made us read kafka
and wrestle with his unfinished stories,
essays
novels
social commentary...
graduated, resigned, bitter
we left kafka and all that behind
with the half-assed essays of high school honors english

~simplyann

Olin Shivers (Acknowledgments cont'd)

2007-06-12T18:31:29Z

After re-reading the wonderful acknowledgments for the Scheme Shell Reference Manual I thought to look him up.
Dr Shivers appears to be an associate professor in the College of Computing at Georgia Tech. He also says he's feeling a lot better now. Here's more if you want to read about the man who collects rants. Just don't ask him where he buys his coffee.

At MIT, where he used to be a part of the Artificial Intelligence Laboratory, students chose him after reading a little thumbnail bio published by the undergraduate office. He kindly posted the original pre-censored version he had mailed in (posted below). He sure must be feeling better!

Date: Mon, 29 Apr 1996 00:50:57 -0400
From: Olin Shivers <shivers@lambda.ai.mit.edu>
To: xxx@eecs.mit.edu
In-Reply-To: <9604252058.AA12478@heinlein.MIT.EDU> (xxx@eecs.mit.edu)
Subject: Re: Undergraduate Advising
Reply-To: shivers@ai.mit.edu

    "I need from you a few paragraphs describing your personal interests,
    advising style or philosophy, background and professional interests.
    ... I'm preparing a document to give the freshman for them to use to
    select an advisor.  I need to receive your info by early next week."

I was born and raised in Atlanta, Georgia, majored in mathematics and Computer
Science at Yale University, and I got my PhD in Computer Science at CMU. I've
lived in Paris, Hong Kong, Peking, and New Jersey.

I tend to look for weak, uncertain students and feed off of their
insecurities; by preying on their poor self-images, I manage to temporarily
assuage my own feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've also found
undergraduate advising to be a terrific vehicle for venting a lot
of my own pent-up rage and frustration. 

I'm not sure if this counts as a philosophy, but it's the closest thing I've
got to an "advising style."

    "Thanks again for volunteering to advise!"

My pleasure.
    -Olin

When I got to grad school and I'm deciding on an advisor, I can only hope I'm as lucky as his students.

EDIT: More from Olin:

Graduate student guide to automatic weapons.

The Opinion file

Stylish Lisp programming techniques

Advice to graduate students

The acknowledgments.
(Yeah, yeah. This floats around so much, that I just split it out from the scsh manual and put it up for separate access on my ftp site, as plain text and PostScript )